Inside My Head

Old man winter be our friend...

2010-02-06T16:41:00.000-08:00

I am stuck thousands of miles away from home in a wonderfully beautiful snowy city. I am also sick. The combination does not work that well. I did get to play in the snow today and it was crazy.

I guess I should account for almost two years of lost time. The last time I was on here wasn't a very happy one so I deleted those posts. I had a hard time jumping back in and dealing with everything that had happened. There was so much loss in my family in such a short period of time, and I have been trying to climb out of the pain.

I have since started a career that I love, despite the crazy stress. I am now one of the people who rates the claims for the disabled veterans. That is why I am stuck in snowville for training. I have been working for the company for about 18 months now. I have landed myself in a position that I enjoy and gives me great satisfaction. I can identify with many of the veterans and their frustrations either with being dismissed by military doctors or getting strung along by the VA. By being a part of the VA, I can help change the process and make things better even if it is just one veteran at a time. Sooooo, enough of the catching up. Nothing else is really new, except for being away from my family which thankfully won't last much longer.

If you're lost you can look and you will find me

2008-04-24T11:36:00.000-07:00

Time after time. That was our first song many years ago. My husband and I just celebrated eight years together this past Monday. We were supposed to go spend the day together on Sunday, but he got called into work instead. So, Monday night we went out to a French Restaurant and had a little candlelight dinner. It was really nice. We laughed and talked and fed each other. When we came home he called me in the room and played Through the Years by Kenny Rogers. I didn't know the song before that, but it was really sweet. We snuggled a little and watched some TV while the kids ran around like banshees. But it was really nice. This is a picture of us at our oldest daughter's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese's last month. We are always goofin off lol.

Today I went to take my oldest to school, and one of the Kindergarten teachers ran into a pole and fell down on the cement, getting a big knot on the back of her head. While my daughter's teacher tried to wrangle both classes, I helped the kids open their milk and everything else they needed. The whole class is used to me since I volunteer a few times a month and I go on field trips with them and usually go to lunch with them almost every day. When they were going in the classroom and I was leaving, my daughter yells out to tell me good bye, then all I hear is a cascade of "Good-bye Miss Melanie" from the whole class. They were all waving at me, it was so cute! Moments like that make all the bad stuff melt away, because what is important is what you see in the eyes of a child.

I've been down so long, it can't be longer still

2008-04-23T22:21:00.000-07:00

I know I said that I would update more often. That was before the world came crashing down around me. Basically, my mom and I aren't talking anymore, my brother-in-law has cancer, and other little personal things that make it hard for me to think. I was afraid I would come in here and rant about my mom and maybe say some things that wouldn't be very nice, but I finally got everything out of my head and into a letter (e-mail) I sent to her. I do have to say that this made my mind so much clearer and I feel that I did what I need to do in order to move on.

That being said, the other big thing, and the most important was that my sister's husband has been diagnosed with Stage IV Mesothelioma. There is a specific name that goes in front of the mesothelioma, but I don't remember it at this time. Mesothelioma is the cancer that people get from asbestos and usually takes decades before people realize they have it. He is 25, and it has already progressed to the point that he has a tumor in his abdomen and nodules on his liver. Life so isn't fair when stuff like this happens to such great people.

In other trivial news, I was supposed to be starting my Master's Degree this summer in Accounting, but the Veteran's Administration decided they will try to help me find a job instead. The most awesome part is that they want me to sign a paper saying that I understand that typical wages are between $12.60-$16 an hour. Yeah, that's right, I went to school for four years to make as much as someone who works at McDonalds. Well, they said that they will try to get me a job utilizing my degree that works for me. Works for me, means that I'm not commuting an hour, and I can't stand on my feet all day. Why can't I stand on my feet all day you wonder? Because I have a degenerative disc disease in my back and I have problems when I am on my feet for a long period of time. The VA assured me that if they find that I will be better able to get a job with a Master's degree, then they will pay for it after a certain period of time unsuccessfully searching for a job.

So that has been the past week in a nutshell. Awesome huh.

I'm just sittin out here watchin airplanes

2008-04-08T12:12:00.000-07:00

Take off and fly.... I wish I could be so free that I could just lay in a field and watch the airplanes fly over me miles high like little specks in the sky.

Right now I am at work. And I have accomplished a few things of note. I completed a return that I started on last week but needed signiatures. I also canceled a membership that I no longer need. I got to read my class lectures, and got paid $9 an hour to do all of this. I'm awesome. Not complaining, cause its so quite and peacefull and no one is begging me to play or wipe something. And now I will have time to play when I get home and chase the girls around. We would go outside but they are paving the streets around our house and it smells like smoking tar outside.

On a good note, we are thinking about going to Disneyland in July. Yes, I know that this may mean that I don't get to go on my summer vacay to NC, but I am still excited. Kiara gets to be my riding buddy on Space Mountain and hopefully Splash mountain if I can talk her into it. Annalyn is actually going to enjoy it this time (I'm hoping). She is so Mickey crazy thanks to Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I can't wait to see her face when she realizes that Disneyland is all about Mickey and he is everywhere. The most exciting part is getting to see the girls so happy and excited and free. We are planning to stay at the Grand Californian Hotel. I want to do the spa stuff, because a massage sounds heavenly and peaceful.

On a completely different note, I got a very beautiful necklace today that completely exceded my expectations. Yes, I ordered it from Brenda and Lia Sophia at Shannon's show, and I really like it. The very cool thing was that it went with the shirt I am wearing perfectly. Now I just need the earrings I ordered from Tina's show. I stole the picture from the website, but it actually looks even better in person, like much of the stuff I have bought from there. I was surprised at how deep the pink is and not as light and airy as I thought it would be. I also ordered a blue necklace like it, but haven't received it yet. Brenda said it was on back order. I have never been so into jewelry as I have become since my best friend started selling it. Ironic isn't it?

Ooooh, I almost forgot. I started tanning again yesterday. I went back to the place where I started in the first place since it is now closer to my house and it is soooo nice. It has brand new beds and is always clean. They have little signs that say that "this bed has been sanitized" so there is no guessing if it is clean or not. Also, the lady that runs the place is super nice and even recognized me when I walked in, even though it has been almost a year since I have been there. I did start going at my gym, but I canceled after I had surgery and the dr. told me that I shouldn't tan for a year. Wouldn't you know that the day after I actually cancelled, and got out of my contract for medical reasons, they told me I could tan if I cover my incision site (my belly button). I don't tan to get all toasty, I just like to get a little color and look less see through. I'm going to be white no matter what, but I like to be more of a olive color. I do understand skin cancer risks and that's why I don't overdo it and I do wear tons of sunscreen when I go outside.

Anyway, enough of my rambling. Toodles.

You turn my whole world misty blue

2008-04-07T14:52:00.000-07:00

So, obviously I haven't been good at keeping my thoughts down. Sometimes there is so much that I want to say and I'm afraid that someone might read it and think the wrong thing or I will hurt someone's feelings. The problem is that it all stays inside and most days I feel like my head is spinning. Plus I've been so busy, but I am about to graduate and the tax season is ending so things are looking up in the having more time department.

I really dislike my job. I don't hate it, but I feel I could do more. Its just a job, not a career at all. I prepare taxes, and you know what? I am pretty good at it because I have always been one of those weird numbers people. That's not why I dislike my job. I dislike it because I get paid the same as someone who works at KFC, except I don't smell like grease all the time. I have to worry about whether I did someone's return right so that they won't be audited, my boss is never at work. She is super nice and I like her, but she is never there. I used to feel important, and I used to contribute to the household finances, now I feel so expendable.

I did apply for a job last week, but I was denied of course. I have no relevant experience. I'm getting stressed that I have all these student loans to pay and I won't be able to find a job that makes enough to get them paid off as well as the other bills we have. My husband tells me to relax and focus on trying to get my accounting degree and then I will be able to make enough to not worry about the bills. I hope he is right, he just has so much faith in me that even I don't seem to have sometimes. I just don't like this growing up stuff and I want to have fun; I want to do something that makes me happy to be me and makes me feel like I am making a difference.

Anyway, that was a downer. Hopefully tomorrow I can come back with some more fun stuff. I'm going to challenge myself to get everything out of my head every day until July, and then we will go from there.

I am such a dork

2007-02-18T10:37:00.000-08:00

So I was over at my friend's house the other night and she had a juicer out on the counter making apple beet juice for us to try. I know it sounds gross, but it was actually quite good! So she is adding the stuff and I say, "wow that thing is really strong, it is even making the cabinets vibrate." She says, "what is that music, is your phone ringing?" duh, its on vibrate in my back pocket so that I can feel it when I am in a loud place...like my house lol. I felt like an idiot. Then, I answer the phone and its my mom, and by that time I am giggling hysterically and tryiing to explain why, and she asks if I am drunk!!! Um no, I haven't had a drink in years duh. I am a dork.

Just a poem

2007-01-02T17:27:00.000-08:00

Run way into the sea
Forget me, not my crying eyes
Can't you see the games we play
Minds and hearts are shot and shattered

Run away from heart's desire
Forget about eternal lust
You can't win the games we play
Your heart and mind no longer one

Run away from beauty's trap
Forget the nights of ecstacy
Try to play the games we play
Allow your heart and mind explore

Run away. Not quick enough.
Forget about your dying soul
You just lost the games we play
Now your mind and heart are no more

Pimples

2007-01-02T08:25:00.000-08:00

So, I am getting ready for the day this morning, and since I HAVE to leave the house, I decide to put my makeup on. So I see this HUGE ass zit right between my beautiful eyes, so I decide that its so not a good idea to play that up, so maybe I should focus on my luscious lips. So I get out the red lip luster crap go to smear it on and what do I see...MORE ZITS beside my mouth on my chin. So how do I possibly find another feature to play up so no one will notice these monstrocities? Do I play up my nose? I bet I would be cute with a clown nose...Or better yet, why don't I just forgo the shirt wearing and venture out in tassled pasties. I bet no one would notice them zits then ;-)

Tagged

2006-12-08T18:29:00.000-08:00

Ha! And Michelle probably thought I wasn't looking ;-)

So here's "THE RULES""According to the rules...Each player of this game starts with the "6 Weird Things about You." People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says 'you are tagged' in their comments and tell them to read your blog!"

Here are my six weird things:

1. My husband and I dated for two months before we were married. We met at the Non commissioned Officer's Academy and had a secret romance for about a month, then we dated long distance for a month then got married. This was almost seven years ago!!

2. I have no clue who my father is. Well I have some clues, but they are all mixed up between two men.

3. I talk to myself. Yep. All. The. Time. Weird ay.

4. I was once in the newspaper for catching a big fish. Yeah, and I was four years old :-) It was a flounder, and it was almost as big as me. I was wearing a little bikini with way too much sand in the crotch.

5. I walk in my sleep occasionally. Yeah I wake up bumping into things, like walls.

6. I'm a hussie.

And six people to tag...wow.

Lisa, Kristen, Nicole, Brenda, Tasha, and Caelyn.

So we went to Disneyland

2006-10-31T12:48:00.000-08:00

We were at Disneyland all last week, from Tuesday through Saturday. I think that we mostly had a great time. Nothing was lost and only unimportant things were forgotten, so it seems as if the terror cycle is over. If you don't know, Disneyland has never been the happiest place on earth for me, it has been the site of relationship breakups and major messups on my part. Therefore I am so happy it went well.

I think the best part was that Kiara enjoyed the rides, and was tall enough to ride most of them. She even rode space mountain 3 times, and giggled the whole time!! She got to eat with Goofy and his buddies, and ended up with a Stitch hat and gloves that she still wears every day.

Annalyn fussed and wanted to be carried the whole time, so Lito and I traded off carrying her. She screamed like we were ripping off her legs everytime we tried to put her in the stroller, so that didn't work at all. Everytime we got in line for a ride she would fall asleep, or start screaming as soon as we sat down until the ride started...then once it did it was like a magic spell. She sat there in awe and watched the sights as we went through neverland or visited the hundred acre wood. That was the best :-)

Wow, It never ends.

2006-10-14T21:04:00.000-07:00

So, right now, right this second, I hear screaming. This isn't anything new, in fact I feel like I am getting immune to it all sometimes. Someone is always screaming. Its not like I don't care, because I do, I just don't know how to make it stop all the time. Most of the time it is the baby screaming because she wants me to pick her up, or I won't let her eat all the paper in the house, or dig in the trash can...I am such a horrible mommy for that.

Now it stopped...oh wait its the other one's turn. Come wipe my butt. I hate those words. No one ever warned me about 5 years of butt wiping when I signed up for mommyhood. And you know when that is done the first words out of her mouth will be "Can we play a game now?" EVEN though we have been playing all day. We played Hide & Seek, Doctor (NOT the naughty kind, don't even think that), some computer games together, and some general silliness throughout the day. She loves it when I tickle her, or when I hug her tight and tell her that I am never going to let her go, and I love that she loves it. Those things make me happy.

Then there's the other one yelling at me. "Did you finish MY homework yet?" "When are you going to make dinner?"...I am thinking "When are you going to kiss my butt?" NEVER That's right. But life goes on and it is all good, because I am a woman and this is what I was made to do.

My first time

2006-10-03T22:40:00.000-07:00

So yeah I have tried this a few times on myspace and 360, but that was more like telling people what they want to hear, or read, not what I am thinking. And the times I do try to actually type something meaningfull, there is inevitably an error, a blank post and I give up. So this is my chance to start fresh and make my mark. I just hope that I'm not as boring as I think I am ;-) Alas, tonight I will have to be boring as the baby is asleep on my arm and it is as numb as my heart.